TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have An additional spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into Trump Tower Damascus gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It is that he really should prevent working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the project, replied, "You know, guy, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Area, a element getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort where by my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

Report this page